Dear Lord

Since I created this blog as an alternative to journal I am going to do just that. Journal. I have had a very long week and it is just Tuesday, so instead of a hand cramp, I am typing to you. I know you said to make our alms in secret, but seeing my one follower is my best friend, I feel I can be candid.

Dear Lord,

  I am worn out. I have felt that with Jeff gone, the house not selling, the dishes, the laundry, and the kids whining and rebellion that I am done. Put a fork in it. I want to walk away, throw in the towel, give up and move on. I sat and cried out to you the other day with tears streaming down my face. I have walked this faith walk claiming our house sold for almost two years now. What am I missing?!!  Lord, I felt that every worldly thought man has given me was advice I should have taken. I felt that I have missed my blessing being too focused on you performing some miracle. Isn't that the God you are?! A super natural, miracle performing God? The enemy has found a home in my head this past week and he set up camp as I rolled round in the misery he brings: the kids rebellion, whining, house not selling, and every other ill thought. It has set me on "crazy mode" and it won't turn off. Then, in the mist of this storm- add a day of vomiting (food poisoning, I suppose) to that already overwhelming feeling of I am drowning. It. keeps. getting. worse.

But then.... Lord, you show up. Even though I have hit crazy mode and convinced myself I have failed at motherhood and felt my faith walk was in vain (I mean obviously I am doing something wrong or my prayer would be answered by know, right?) you give me grace. You give me a Word in due season. I was on empty and You filled me up. I was drowning and You gave me a life preserver.  I am reminded that every strong hold- is in my mind. I am reminded that you do perform miracles because you paid our son's tuition this year!  Lord, you said that "so a man thinketh, is he." I have allowed the enemy to convince me that I was a bad mother. I have allowed my vision of selling our house to become nothing but a "has been hope." What was I thinking?! I seriously wonder if you ever go "when will she get it? She is having to start all over again." Lord, I am praying for you to forgive me for my unbelief. Praying you would seek my heart and forgive me of what I know is not there that may be blocking my blessing. I pray that you break down every strong hold that governs my mind and thank you that you DO want to prosper us. Lord, forgive me for not putting you on a platform you can perform on and thank you for the renewal of my faith. Lord, you said that "faith is the substance of thing hoped for and evidence of things unseen." Now all I have to say to that old serpent, is get thee behind me, Satan!! I am a good mom- I am the daughter of the King of Kings.  I am royal priesthood and I have been given the abundant life and our house is SOLD! Yes, I fail, and yes I may fall, but I will get back up and ride this faith walk out until I get what I have asked. Time. And time again. Your Word says to "knock and the door will open." I have been knocking and now I expect (to hope) the door to open. I hope (to expect) to hear from you. I expect great and exceeding abundant and I pray that you would give me your heart, Lord, so that I may walk in your ways with purpose. I love you and thank you that your mercies are new EVERY DAY! Thank you that I am made new in you today, Lord. I love you and thank you for your living Word. Kingdom come!!!! Amen!